Life is created for happiness, and not for sorting out relationships.
Most of Oleg Torsunov's lectures are devoted to preserving family relationships. The divorce statistics in our country speak for themselves: three out of five marriages fall apart. This means that every new marriage is in danger of breaking up. What is causing this trend? Most often, a difficult astrological period and an inability to build relationships correctly. According to conflict experts, or in other words, mediators, we simply do not know how to negotiate with our loved ones. Love simply slips out of our hands, and when it leaves, it becomes impossible for people to live together. So, our new article is devoted to how to maintain peace in the family.
Love lives for three years
This fashionable statement, taken from the book of the modern French writer Frederic Beigbeder, is nothing more than erroneous. After all, by love we, as a rule, mean falling in love, and a kind of substitution of concepts occurs. The fact is that 50% of marriages do not reach the point in the relationship when true love appears. When a person understands that he can overcome his selfishness in order to please his spouse, this is love. When we are able to act not as we want, but as our husband or wife wants, this is love. When we give freedom of choice to our loved ones and the right to decide for themselves, this is love.
It is noteworthy that this principle always works in mother-child relationships. Remember how in the film “Once Upon a Time Twenty Years Later” the main character’s husband gave her a wonderful blue dress? After all, she rarely bought outfits for herself. And what did she do with him? She made a costume from it for a New Year's party for her daughter, who had nothing to wear to the holiday. Yes, it is not difficult for a woman to sacrifice something for the sake of her children, but in her relationship with her husband she can often have misunderstandings and debates.
Why do they happen? Because deep down we are big egoists and we want everyone around us to enjoy and do as we want. Therefore, if a person does not engage in spiritual practice and work on himself, then the false ego simply leaves him no chance. Gradually, he pumps out of his loved one all the love that he had, and when he has no strength left, he abandons him.
Vladimir Mayakovsky wrote about this very beautifully in his poem “To Lilichka”: “Tomorrow you will forget that you were crowned, that you burned out your blooming soul with love, and the tossed-up carnival of vain days will tatter the pages of my books... Will the dry leaves of my words make you stop, breathing greedily ? Let at least the last tenderness line your departing step.”
Therefore, if we face the truth, we do not know how to love anyone but ourselves. This is very easy to understand if you think about whose truth is closer to us: our own or someone else’s? Our own truth is always dearer to us, and this is the inability to love. Therefore, when they ask us why we separated, we answer: “We didn’t get along.” This means that we simply did not like these people. We didn't have enough love, I mean real love, to endure family hardships and move forward together no matter what.
Contract theory
If at school we learn to count and write for 10 years, then what can we say, no one prepares us for marriage. It’s great if from childhood a mother was able to instill in her daughter a desire to help around the house and cook, and a dad taught the boy not to complain and to cope with difficulties on his own. But family life is not limited to simply fulfilling the responsibilities of providing for the family. As a rule, the number one need is the ability to communicate correctly. And this is where most of us fail completely. It is very good if a person can take a positive communication model from his family and bring it to his own. What if he can’t? What if there were only scandals and violence in the family?
Therefore, it is very important to learn to talk correctly with loved ones, learn to respect them, pay attention to their merits and not attach much importance to their shortcomings (we are not talking about assault), avoid rough edges and not hurt someone else’s ego with offensive words, support in difficult times and inspire , voice your needs, and not hush them up and thereby drive yourself into a corner. The ability to communicate includes so many things, and we know so little about it! Therefore, most marriages are unable to maintain a family because they simply do not have communication skills.
“We get angry at our loved ones and don’t know that in this world we are all hanging by a thread. The health reserves of people who make scandals are so low that the probability of one of them ending up in intensive care is so high. As soon as the conflict becomes more serious, that’s all. And what did you prove to him? Is this your victory? Who will be happy when a loved one is taken to intensive care? You brought him to this. Only a bad person will not be able to understand that it was he who brought him down. Will this help or not? No. Then why argue? Isn't it better to step back and communicate calmly? - asks Oleg Gennadievich.
Correct tactics
Conflicts in the family are inevitable. In this world, we are just learning relationships, so there will definitely be mistakes in building them. And more than once. Oleg Gennadievich jokingly gives the example that a horse, having stumbled in one place, will never step there again. However, man is the only animal in the world that can stumble in the same place 20 times. Therefore, we need to study how to live correctly, how to interact with loved ones, what are our mistakes and how not to make them again.
For this reason, in addition to proper communication, you also need to learn how to get out of conflict correctly, how to live your emotions environmentally, how to distance yourself from a loved one, how not to allow yourself to be humiliated, how to maintain self-esteem and much more. After all, married life promises many surprises, both pleasant and not so pleasant. For some, they can become a point of no return, and for others - a turning point to change themselves for the better.
- In fact, changing yourself is not very difficult. Or rather, you don’t even need to do this. A worthy person will never change himself. If he really understands how to live correctly, if this knowledge comes to his heart, he will feel a higher taste, he will immediately just want to live like that. This happens by itself,” notes Oleg Gennadievich.
Therefore, the first rule for achieving happiness is to become a worthy person. If a loved one does not understand you, then it is better to distance yourself. There is no need to try to prove anything to him. It’s better not to lose respect and wait for the person to understand how to communicate. Because life is created for happiness, and not for sorting out relationships. But if you have some kind of anxiety inside, you lack something, a house or a car, everyone around you interferes with your life, colleagues or neighbors, then you don’t have happiness inside. Oleg Gennadievich calls this condition a disease of the mind. This means that the mind is afflicted with the wrong kind of happiness.
There is a Vedic comparison: a city is happy when it is full of life. There are several gates in the city through which both good and bad things enter. If you close the gates, then everything in the city will stop functioning, and outside, on the contrary, many dissatisfied people will accumulate. Therefore, closing the gate is not the way to get rid of bad things. We just need to find a way for other good people to come through these gates.
This comparison also applies to family life. Leaving loved ones or getting a divorce is not a way to get rid of bad things, plus you will have to work on these actions later. You need to make sure that the gates open in your life for something good: for knowledge, prayer, communication with exalted people and work on yourself. In this case, it will be easier for you to live, even if this is not the best period in the family.
Filled with strength from prayer, you can overcome the difficulties of life together. But peace in the family does not only mean working on oneself, it also means raising a loved one. The Vedas say that serving and raising a loved one are two sides of the same coin; separately they do not work and always lead to imbalance in relationships: the tyrant is the victim. Therefore, for a happy family life, in addition to all the skills listed above, you must also learn to find a balance in service and education, and then peace in your family is guaranteed.
