Oleg Torsunov: “You shouldn’t try to be strong and try to do everything for your husband.”
Our website regularly receives letters in which many women do not know how to behave in a situation when the husband stops helping with the housework, or even sits at home with everything ready. Such women are forced not only to take care of themselves, but also to provide for their family. What to do in this situation and how to stop dragging everything on yourself?
First of all, you should know: what happens to us in life is the result of our actions. If your husband does not help you, it means that you yourself became the reason for this. They coped with all the tasks too quickly, and so they earned the honorary title “Doing it all by myself.” All jokes aside, a woman gets what she allows to be done to her. If we don’t know how to voice our needs and ask for help, then it’s unlikely that anyone will do it for us. The problems arising from the lack of these skills will also be entirely ours.
Common situation? Someone will say, painfully familiar. You can, of course, place all the blame on your husband, or you can think about your role in this matter. To make it easier for you to do this, we have prepared a small selection of recommendations that we invite you to familiarize yourself with.
Don't work for your husband
Let's consider three options for the development of events in a woman's life related to work.
1. Your husband drives you to work from maternity leave. In this case, you can go out and work a little, but keep in mind that you will not strain yourself unnecessarily. If you see that it is difficult for him to earn money for his family and he is counting on your help, especially if your salary is higher, then work a little, help him, and then leave under a plausible pretext. It may be difficult for him now, but this will develop him as a man. It’s better to go through a crisis once and get back on your feet than to be afraid of difficulties all your life and count on your wife’s salary.
2. The husband was left without work. You need to be patient here, because if you decide to work for him and help him temporarily, then you will be doing him a disservice. So, he may not find a job at all. If the wife works, cooks, looks after the children, then why change anything? After all, men have a military mentality, and they take decisive action when things get bad. For example, when you eat only pasta for lunch and dinner for six months and have nothing to pay the rent, then he may think better and start working where he is hired. This way, the beginning of its development will be made, and you will not turn into a man in a skirt.
3. You yourself go to work and support your family. If a wife does not want to wait for her husband to come to his senses and decides to earn a living herself, then in this case she destroys her family. She becomes embittered, everything begins to irritate her, and most of all, her idle husband. The paradox of the situation is that it seems to her that she is accomplishing a feat, but in fact she is destroying her family happiness. The main criterion for this is that she is overexerting herself. She has neither the time nor the energy to give warmth to her loved ones, because, having come after work, she works the second shift at home. Nobody canceled chores.
— A woman who works too much curses her family. There is no love in such a family; children grow up ill-mannered. When a woman lacks love energy, everyone becomes sick, because this energy also heals and restores health. Therefore, a woman who wants more from life than her husband can give her and does not accept fate destroys her life, notes Oleg Torsunov.
Therefore, if you do not want to make your husband a loser, then do not work for him. Give him the opportunity to develop. Don't take away his responsibilities. Providing for a family is a man’s dharma (duty), taking care of the home and children is a woman’s dharma. The scriptures say that it is better to do one's duty poorly than to do someone else's well, otherwise it always leads to disharmony and, as a result, suffering.
Но не нужно думать, что женщина не может работать. Очень даже может, но относиться к работе она должна по-женски. Что это значит? Получать от работы удовольствие и реализацию своих способностей и помнить, что работа для нее не главное. Основные силы она должна вкладывать в семью: заботиться о близких, украшать дом, устраивать праздники, приглашать гостей, готовить вкусняшки. Ведь любая женщина — это прежде всего хранительница очага и душа дома.
Don't take on too much
This means two things: to be relaxed and not to take on male responsibilities. There is no need to carry heavy things and change light bulbs, start and then do repairs yourself, make decisions for your husband and try to run everything. Remember that you are a woman, so be one! Give the reins to your husband and don’t get ahead of the locomotive.
The problem is that if a woman wants to lead, then of course she can do it. But you shouldn’t expect that a husband, looking at such a wife, will pull himself together. After all, if a woman pulls the blanket over herself and wants to be the head in the family, this means that the husband automatically becomes not the head. His place is taken. Remember: a man has no chance of being strong next to a strong woman. This means strong not in a feminine way, but in a masculine way.
Ask for help
This is one of the key skills that all women need to learn. Often women themselves are to blame for having to answer for everything. They simply don’t know how to ask; it’s easier and faster for them to do everything themselves. Although it also happens that in families, spouses agree among themselves that the husband is responsible for finances, and the wife is responsible for the house. But even in this case, you should always discuss that you will need his help and ask him to do it.
You don’t have to climb on a stepladder yourself and get weights from the mezzanine when your husband is at home. Ask him about it. There's nothing wrong with that. Of course, you can say nothing, thinking that he will figure it out on his own, and do everything yourself, and then walk around dissatisfied and grumble at your unsuspecting husband. Choose for yourself.
Give thanks
Be sure to thank your husband for his help: “How great you cleaned the sink! I could never do that!”, “Thank you for going to the clinic with the children,” etc. He will be very pleased with this, and you will know that you have a wonderful, loving husband who can always come to your aid.
As a last resort, we can simply say “thank you” and smile wider. To begin with, the smile may not seem the most radiant, but it is what it is. Over time, you will get the hang of it and learn to thank from the heart, and not just for show. Well, no one has canceled a delicious lunch with pies, so why not the best way to express gratitude?
Believe in your husband
If you get an undeveloped man, then the first thing you need to do is believe in him. But how can you believe in something that doesn’t really exist? If he is weak-willed, does not know how to calculate a budget and cannot make decisions on his own? This is what asceticism is all about. A woman spreads her wings to a man with her faith. She doesn't let him lose heart. Her faith pushes him forward. If you empathize with his mistakes, and not say: “I knew it! I told you, you still won’t be able to,” and sincerely rejoice at success, then in this case the man will go up very quickly.
- Most men don’t know how to explain to their wife so that she calms down and gives him the opportunity to do what she needs. Accept me as the person who will give this to you. Believe in me, and you will grow in me strength, and I can do anything. This is the key to the success of any woman - to believe in this particular person, that he will give you happiness, and faith comes through prayer, notes Oleg Gennadievich.
A wife should not doubt her husband for a second and think that she could have gotten someone better. With such thoughts she destroys her husband. Doubting him, the wife cannot inspire him and transfer her strength to him.
“Often a woman doubts that this is her destiny, that this is the person she should give her life to.” Her life flows in these doubts, and then these doubts give birth to betrayal. Because when a man sees in a woman’s eyes not faith, but doubt, he immediately loses his strength. He stops being inspired, he begins to drink, become depressed, suffer and lie on the couch. This is the root of male depression - that someone doubts him, emphasizes Oleg Torsunov.
There are many more points on how a woman needs to behave in order to build a harmonious relationship with a man, but we have discussed only those that, in our opinion, help a man take responsibility for the family. To summarize, we can say that the answer to the question of the article lies in a short phrase from Oleg Gennadievich: “You shouldn’t try to be strong and try to do everything for your husband.” Give him the opportunity to develop and be happy.
