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Is it necessary to “remake” a loved one into a good person?

Oleg Torsunov: “The first principle of love is to leave a loved one behind and stop tormenting him.”

We often forget that a sense of personal freedom is an inalienable right of every person that cannot be overstepped. We do not stand on ceremony with the freedom of those around us and often violate the boundaries of another person, be it your wife or colleague, father or passenger on the bus. What do we get in response? Irritation, strong words, and sometimes a lifelong ban from friends and acquaintances.

So, the Vedas say that the first stage of a relationship is that no one touches anyone. And if it touches, then we should not respond in kind. This is the whole essence of the principle of non-violence, and it is extremely important in family relationships, where the selfishness of one person collides daily with the selfishness of another. How to understand whether a principle has been learned or not? If you are being yelled at, you are not obligated to yell back and fight back. At the same time, you should not think that if you did not say anything to the offender, then you get the impression that you were humiliated. No. You can only humiliate someone who agrees to be humiliated. It is impossible to humiliate a worthy person, since he does not consider himself humiliated.

Let us remember the famous public figure of the early 20th century, who gained fame as the most honest and decent lawyer, father of the nation and founder of the liberation movement in India, Mahatma Gandhi. It was thanks to him that the principle of non-violence became widely known, with the help of which he was able to defeat the British without any wars. It was the principle of non-violence and non-cooperation that helped Hindus once again become full masters in their country.

What does non-cooperation mean? This means that you remain true to your idea and do not reject it under pressure from others. You are not trying to change them (non-violence), but you are not at one with them (non-cooperation). For example, you don’t want to eat meat, but your relatives force you to. What do we have to do? Don't argue with them, but just continue to do what you think is necessary. That's all. No retaliatory aggression, violence, etc. After all, every person has the right to think the way he wants, and your right is to accept it or not.

The Vedas say that God lives in the heart of each of us. “With the same respect with which we treat the temple of the Lord, we should treat the bodies of all living beings, for the Lord is within them. Therefore, one should respect everyone and not neglect anyone”(Bhagavad-gita, 9.11). For this reason, we need to respect the opinions of loved ones and not touch them, because they are not obliged to live the way we want.

Therefore, if your wife wants to change you for the better, is that good or bad? This is good. However, who loves more in this situation: the one who changes, or the one who does not touch? We don’t ask ourselves this question, but we should. You should know that the one who does not touch always loves more, since in this way he maintains peace in the family. We are not talking about people in ignorance who do not need anything and are happy with the “sofa” life. We are talking about those who decided to “make” their loved ones more blessed and do not understand why it is better to leave them alone.

Leo Tolstoy said that if we want to understand how to deal with a person, we need to put ourselves in his place. If we thought about what it’s like to feel serious pressure from a loved one, then perhaps we would moderate our ardor and stop all our good intentions. After all, what good is it if we force someone to follow our beliefs? This is how we get the opposite effect. If the alteration is accompanied by an ideological struggle over views on life, then sooner or later a person will form (and will remain for a long time!) a vivid imprint in his consciousness: “all vegetarians are insane,” “Torsunov is bad,” “believers = fanatics.” And what have we achieved?

Think back to your childhood. How often have you been told that you need to sweep the floor or wash the dishes, peel potatoes or clean out the closet? Did this make you feel happy? Most likely no. Rather, you felt irritation or the feeling that they again wanted to involve you in social work for the benefit of the family. What did you want most? So that no one bothers you and you calmly continue reading your book, playing with cars or putting together a puzzle. And the more your parents insisted, the more you hated cleaning, cooking and any housework.

So, if we ourselves know what it’s like when they demand something from us and force us to do something against our will, then why do we force others to do this? Most often, our loved ones do not want us to disturb their peace. After all, you can crush not only with ignorance, but also with goodness. For example, when a wife wakes up her husband at 5 a.m. and tells him: “Let’s go take a shower, shower yourself with cold water, and then go for a run.” Is this a loving wife or not? No. This is still the same egoism that dictates to others how to live, simply disguised as benign realities.

— The first principle of love is to leave your loved one behind and stop tormenting him. This is a serious feat in life. After all, we have reason to torment, because we know what is best. But love begins when we stop torturing our loved one. Now you agree with this, but in a week you will forget it, because you still want to torture,” notes Oleg Gennadievich.

However, someone will say that his case is special and this system does not work. But this only happens when we make efforts not towards ourselves, but towards a loved one. But this is not the essence of the system. The point is that we do not touch a loved one, but work on ourselves. We worked hard, life became easier, and your loved one no longer behaves the same way as before. But this does not happen overnight.

The result comes only when we melt the heart of a loved one with our service and love and gratitude naturally comes from him. Only love can change a person, not insistence, resentment and blackmail. Gratitude gives us the opportunity to tell our loved ones the good truth, and they have to listen to us. This is how gratitude works. But before, the truth was perceived with hostility by them. And what is most important: if a person has heard how to live, this means that he will change and will no longer be able to live the way he used to.

However, if we don't work on ourselves, who do we start working on? Someone needs to work on it. Over a loved one. What is the result? Scandal. Therefore, there is no need to change anyone, you just need to love your loved ones. And if there is something wrong with them (they get up late, eat meat, don’t want to develop, don’t believe in God, etc.), then this only shows our amount of work. We ourselves were like this in a past life, and in this life we are shown our past attitude towards these things. After all, our relatives are just a reflection of our destiny. The whole problem is in ourselves.

— When you change yourself, you become happy, because happiness is within us. Happiness is a relationship with God. You began to change yourself, He was delighted, and this joy comes out. The same force that gives us conscience also gives us happiness. Therefore, in order to be happy, you don’t need to change anything externally, you need to change the mood in your heart, and happiness will immediately come out from within. The same principle applies to loved ones. We want love from them, but what should we do? Leave them alone. Let them develop on their own,” notes Oleg Gennadievich.

Therefore, you don’t need to throw meat out of the refrigerator if your loved ones can’t live without it, don’t wake anyone up at 5 am unless they ask you, don’t force your mother to go to church with you if she doesn’t like this idea, don’t take away sweets in children, only because sugar is harmful. There is no need to prove, explain or explain anything to anyone. Take care only of yourself, and the result will definitely appear. Just don’t do it with the goal of making your life easier. Pray in order to serve a holy man, and he will definitely help you.

And finally. If you think that if you don’t touch your husband/wife, they will become insolent, then we hasten to assure you: they will not become insolent if you serve them correctly and raise them kindly. Just don’t interfere with your loved one’s life, but don’t change him either. Give him the opportunity to make his own choices and develop in the way that is prepared for him from above. The modern English writer Martin Amis said this very well: «Требуется слишком много любви, чтобы оставить близких в покое».


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