The law is always the same: if you want to enjoy by forcing others, then you will suffer.
The Vedas say that most of our problems come from the desire to enjoy. When we are praised and shown attention, we naturally experience happiness, and when loved ones do something differently than we want, and especially if they forbid us something, then we experience severe torment. Our article today echoes the themes of boundary building, violence and false ego. We wrote about the latter in more detail in the article "How to defeat the false ego in relationships?”.
So, if we feel like we don't have enough love, what do we do? As a rule, we go to our loved ones and begin to pull it out of them. We pester them with various questions: why aren’t you paying attention to me, why isn’t dinner ready, why aren’t you doing your homework, why didn’t you call from work today, etc. If we put a lot of pressure on our family, we rightly receive rebuff and wishes leave them alone.
As a result, we already lacked love and we wanted to take it from a loved one, but we received the advice “get busy” - and we felt even worse. Already from the fact that they not only did not pat us on the head, but also sent us to hell. Surely many have encountered this situation. Why did this happen? There are two reasons for this: a strong desire to enjoy and attachment.
The desire to enjoy can be of two types. The first, when we believe that a loved one should a priori make me happy, and the second, when we serve him in order to then collect the due “debts”.
In the first option, some, even if they are not yet married, are already so strongly attached to the dream of a white prince and the desire to enjoy that they are completely unprepared to face reality. Therefore, it often turns out to be a prince without a horse, and if with a horse, then the manners are not royal, and sometimes both of them combined. At the same time, such a girl rarely pays attention to her qualities, making demands mainly on a potential husband.
Oleg Gennadievich says that if a woman, in relation to a man, thinks in the mood of “everything is for me, and I am nothing,” then she has no chance of meeting a good man. Because in order to get a good husband, you yourself need to become worthy of such a person. As they say, like attracts like. The same goes for family relationships. It is impossible to just dream of happiness without giving it away. You need to make an effort to make your dream come true.
— A dream is something given by God. A person cannot help but dream. But if he thinks that a dream is good, then this is a very dangerous mindset. A person must understand that in order to defeat fate, it is not a dream that is needed. You need a goal, you need activity, you need to perform actions. The dream doesn't help. A dream means that you are simply wasting your energy and living on what you are not yet entitled to,” notes Oleg Gennadievich.
In every dream there is a desire to enjoy, and this destroys families. Everyone wants care, attention, support. Do we give it to a loved one ourselves? Do we give him the warmth of our hearts or do we just make sure that he never stops giving us happiness? Sometimes for this reason a family cannot even be created. For example, if a girl was alone for a long time and finally found a man, then she sucks all the strength out of him. She needs a lot of love from him at once. As a result, the guy can’t stand it and runs away, because no person can tolerate being forced to be happy.
Sometimes the desire to enjoy leads us to confuse a loved one with God. However, too much faith invariably leads to imbalance in relationships. So, the one who believes begins to humiliate himself and jump on his hind legs in front of his spouse. At the same time, his self-esteem melts, and along with it goes beauty (for women) and strength and influence (for men). As a result, such a person becomes helpless and exhausted, since he cannot receive as much happiness from his family as he gives. After all, loved ones will never be able to give us as much happiness as God can.
“You have to believe in God and serve your loved one.” We must trust him, rejoice in him in our hearts, forgive him, accept our fate from him, because he will be our test. Some people think why they got such a close person, because it was destined to be so. But if you accept fate, you become happier, and he begins to change. But until you accept your fate, he will never change. He will torment you and torment you. But it’s worth accepting how a person begins to change,” emphasizes Oleg Gennadievich.
You have to accept, and this is not easy to do, because acceptance requires strength. Where to get them from? Strength comes from nature, people and God. But most of us don't know this, so we suffer. Because of the wrong attitude and the fact that you really want happiness, scandals begin. And scandals are always a diagnosis in the family. If they exist, it means that you are expecting too much happiness from your loved one, while you yourself do not want to give it away. You demand, you force, you force. And even if a person wants to do something nice to you, then with such behavior you can discourage him from all desire.
Oleg Gennadievich always cites one case as an example. Once, at a lecture in Omsk, one of the listeners wanted to give him flowers as a sign of gratitude. Oleg Gennadievich asked her if she wanted to take part in an experiment on the topic of relationships, to which she answered in the affirmative. Then the lecturer ran towards her and began to take the flowers from her, but the woman did not agree with this and took them back. To the question: “Why are you taking them? You will give them to me anyway,” she said that this was not how she wanted to give them and now she doesn’t know if she wants to do it again.
This experiment served as an example to everyone of how not to force love out of a loved one. This is impossible. Love can only be shown out of one's own free will. No one can please our senses if we force them to do so. For example, a man feels that his wife does not respect him enough. What will he do? He will force her to speak to him respectfully, emphasize his virtues in the presence of people, will demand that she behave appropriately, etc. Will the wife be happy with the fact that she is being pulled all the time? No.
- If we really want something from a loved one, then that’s it, goodbye. Even if you just jokingly demand something from someone, it’s already annoying. Imagine if you behave like this all your life! If you constantly expecthappinessfrom a loved one, then unbearable relationships develop, and this is one of the reasons for the destruction of the family, explains Oleg Gennadievich.
How to understand that your relationship is built incorrectly? The first indicator is scandals, the second is excessive affection. Building healthy relationships requires self-esteem. This means that I don’t depend on a loved one, I don’t expect anything from him, I don’t suffer without him, but I just want to love him and do something for him. This is proper self-esteem. And if we are afraid of losing our husband, we are afraid that he will cheat, then this means that we are dependent on him and at this moment we are destroying our family.
Why do we depend on loved ones? Because we do not take happiness from the people around us, nature and God, as we wrote above, but we try to pull it out of a loved one. In this case, loved ones say: “I feel bad with you. Can I be alone?”, and this is an indicator that the relationship is already collapsing and needs to be saved.
The idea of a happy relationship is that we serve our loved ones. If they begin to become impudent, then we move away from them a little, that is, we do not serve so closely and do not bare our soul to them. If we learn to set boundaries correctly and continue to fulfill our responsibilities, then those close to us will certainly have gratitude in their hearts, and they will behave differently. Deep down they will know that you are a good person and have given so much effort to your family, so they will strive to change their behavior. We wrote about how to distance yourself correctly in this article .
And if we have not served our loved ones and are moving away so that they begin to enjoy our feelings, then nothing will work out. God in the heart of the husband/wife will be against this. Therefore, there is only one law: if you want to enjoy by forcing others, then you will suffer. For this reason, the Vedas say that you should not enjoy your feelings at the expense of a loved one, as this always leads to a deterioration in the relationship and, as a result, to suffering.
